No. of "NO" Answers

Stephen Covey said it best  - “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  Often, when we we’re so busy talking, we ignore what the other party is saying. 

Listening involves much more than hearing words.  It also involves grasping thoughts and ideas.  Studies in oral communications reveal that only about 10% of what is communicated is actually conveyed with words.  Approximately 60% is communicated through body language.  The remaining 30% is expressed through tone of voice.   Gestures, enthusiasm, physical animation, and the level of conviction also play important roles in communication.  

True listening occurs when you use your ears, eyes, brain, and emotions to receive and interpret the information being transmitted.  Before you talk, listen – audibly, visually, physically, cognitively, and emotionally.

When thoughts or responses pop into your head during a conversation, it’s tempting to blurt them out right away, or just as soon as the other person stops talking.  I do this when I’m concerned about losing a thought or idea that suddenly forms in my mind.  I also tend to interrupt others when I think I know what they are going to say and I think they need help making their point.  But I’ve noticed two things:  1) I rarely forget what it is I want to say, and 2) I really don’t know what the other person intends to say.

Let the other party complete their thoughts and never offer assistance unless the other person asks you to help them find the words needed to complete their thought.

Avoid the habit of thinking “I wish they would hurry up and finish.” Instead, be a patient listener and focus on what is being said. 

Often we are impatient because of time constraints.  We want to finish the encounter as soon as possible and move onto other things.  If time constraints prohibit you from engaging in a lengthy conversation, let the other party know about them, and schedule a future time to address the matter at length.  The end result will be a better exchange of information. 

When talking to your business contacts, set up a mental “firewall.”  High-pressure issues and deadlines can easily become distractions when you attempt to listen to others.  Remind yourself before each conversation to stay focused and concentrate on the speaker so that the exchange is as productive and enjoyable as possible. 

Conversations can breakdown when you attempt to think about what you’re going to say while the other party is talking.  Instead, think about what is being said and how you would say it in your own words.  My friend Arthur often says, “If I heard you correctly, you just said that…”

Repeating what was said in your own words is great way to validate the speaker and demonstrate your understanding of his or her message.  This validation provides a solid platform for further discussion and clarification.

Remember, once you have validated important points that have been said, encourage the speaker to continue, or provide a well-thought response to what has been said.

You might think to yourself, “no way,” while someone is talking to you, but it can be extremely distracting if you start saying no or making negative gestures before you have heard the speaker out.  When you do this, you are disrespecting your contact and also saying that you don’t need to hear anything else they have to say. 

Positive reinforcement, however, is more acceptable.  Comments and gestures that say “I’m with you” or “I understand why this is so important an issue to you” let your partners know that you are focused on what they have to say.  Simple expressions such as “okay” or “I see” or “I know what you mean” can serve as ways to keep the speaker on track and allow them to complete communication of ideas to you.

Hear the other person out fully.  You never know what the final sentence or thought may do to change your understanding about what is being said.

Looking at the person you are speaking with is imperative and it is true that some people have difficulty maintaining eye contact while they speak.  But eye contact helps establish that you are listening to what the other person is saying and that they have your complete attention.

However, maintain eye contact in a way that does not make the other person uncomfortable.  Looking someone in the eye is different from staring a person down.  As you maintain eye contact, be sure to look away on occasion to give the other party a “breather.”  Even small breaks can make a huge difference in providing a degree of comfort to the other party.

In phone conversations, we are more prone to lose “thought contact.”  While we can’t see the person, we must maintain a mental view that allows us to use the voice as the eyes of the conversation.  Search for emotion, passion, disappointment, happiness, pride, and other characteristics that allow you to visualize what your contact is expressing.

All of us are capable of multi-tasking, but are we doing multiple things better than if we had done them independently?  The answer is probably not.

When you fidget with items on your desk, look outside, or listen to music playing in the background, you lose maximum focus.  Have you ever been speaking to someone on the phone and hear typing into a keyboard?  When I detect that sound I know that it’s time to hang up because my contact isn’t really listening.  They have mentally and physically checked out of the conversation.

Do everything you can to provide for a distraction free environment.  Forward phone calls, clear the clutter from your desk, tell others not to disturb you, cut off your computer, schedule meetings at times when interruptions are highly unlikely, in short, take whatever steps are necessary to allow you to be fully engaged in the conversation.

Understanding the main idea being communicated to you is the most important part of listening. If you do well in other areas, but fail to get main point or points, your communications have not been successful.

Remember that some people will make it easy for you to know what is important, while others may ramble, offer too much information, or provide information in a confusing way.  Listen to words, search for intonations, and look intently at your relationship partners for other physical clues that help clarify what is important.

Once you get the main idea, the core of what is being said, your communications will be more meaningful and the opportunity to understand your relationship partners better will increase.